i waited and waited and waited for this album to drop and then… this song was on there. and yes, it wrecked me. it still wrecks me as i listen to it over and over and over…

as a Christ-follower, i see this song from many different angles.

the first angle i approach this song from is a feeling of sadness. paul klein has been somewhat of a hero in my life as i try and pursue songwriting and connecting with people. i’ll never forget how i felt at my first LANY show. he cried like a baby several times throughout the night. not because he’s overly emotional or sad by any means, but because he feels such a strong connection with his fans. he spends the majority of his shows thanking everyone for coming to hear them play. thanking everyone for listening to their music. thanking everyone for giving them a chance.

the reason the first angle is one of sadness is because he’s very evidently searching. he so openly talks about the life he lives. he so openly and humbly tells everyone in this song that he doesn’t live a life pleasing to God. he doesn’t think he has any shot at getting into heaven… that’s heartbreaking. but, he’s still searching. he still talks to Jesus even though he doesn’t feel like he measures up. i like that. i love his heart.

the second angle i take on this song is inspiration. when do you ever sit back and listen to a song and feel like that artist was just so completely vulnerable and honest? it’s freaking incredible. i’m so thankful for his transparency. i’m so encouraged by his heart.

and lastly… i’m hopeful when i listen to this song. at the very end paul sings “i know that i need him, so i still talk to Jesus.”

that right there makes me smile. paul may not have it all figured out yet. he may not fully understand what it means to walk with Jesus but he recognizes his NEED for Him and that’s the first step. i’m so hopeful and encouraged that one day paul might tap into that realization. i pray that he experiences grace and realizes that none of us deserve it. he says “if there’s a heaven, i hope that i get in… but i probably won’t.” what sticks out to me about that? well, here. i’ll tell you.

it reminds me of what so much of our culture grows up believing. paul, based on the way he thinks he is living and the things that he has done has no chance of getting into heaven. but, since when do we have to work our way to eternity? if that was the case, we would all be in trouble…

there are so many believers and non-believers that walk around carrying that weight everyday. that they won’t measure up. they won’t be enough… well, paul, my message to you would be this: there is something that sets a relationship with Christ apart from every other religion in the world and that’s its center around grace. Jesus knows you are broken. He knows you have chosen the world over him time and time again. he knows your natural desire is to choose the temporary. the feel good. the “in the moment.” and yet, he still extends his hand. he still wants to know you. he still invites you in to a relationship with him. and why? because he loves first.

i’m so unbelievably thankful for paul klein. i am so thankful that he sat down and wrote this song from the heart. but, most importantly, i am so thankful that paul is searching. i genuinely believe he is looking for what it truly means to know Christ.

now, there may be some believers that only approach this song from the first angle. you’re saddened by it. you don’t find any encouragement in this song and you feel like it misrepresents the idea of the gospel. well, my challenge to you is to take a step back and admire the beauty in this song and its vulnerability. paul was honest with all of us about where he is at. isn’t that all we can ask for? he seemed to be broken. seemed to be saddened because he thinks that based on the way he’s doing things he’ll miss the mark.

so, as believers, lets pray for him and people that are struggling. people that are searching. people that want to be known and understood and loved.

thank you, paul. this song will forever mean so much to me. it is so well-written, so musically captivating, and so inspiring. God has truly gifted you with the ability to write impactful music and connect with other human beings. i pray that one day you realize your potential to impact the world not only musically, but with your heart for people. i pray God uses you for His kingdom. i pray you find what you are looking for. i pray that it’s Jesus.

and for the record, even if you wrestle with it and never fully let go and trust, i’ll always be impacted and always be thankful for you and LANY. you’ve made a difference in my life that’s for sure.

-E

upon recent reflection, i have come to realize the importance of listening first and speaking second. more times than not, a lot of us feel as if our advice or what we have to offer to a situation with our words is life-changing and effective. although that may be true in some cases, the majority of the time they are just words. i think it is extremely important to offer yourself as an effective listener.

so… i write all of this out of conviction. if i’m being honest… i find myself constantly trying to give my input in situations. i even had a mentor tell me once that i should count to 10 before answering a question to give other people a chance to speak. ha. that was fun.

why is it important to truly listen? well, i’m glad you asked. i don’t answer this as some scholar full of never-ending knowledge. i answer this from my own perspective. there is nothing i remember more than when someone took the time to listen to what i had to say.

it’s important to listen because people want to know that you are willing to set aside whatever it is that you are doing, or whatever it is that may be on your mind to hear what they have to say. our quickest reaction when faced with these moments is to say “well, have you tried this?” “why don’t you do this instead.” “why do you think those things?” and the list goes on…

what really needs to happen is a simple head nod and an attempt at understanding. it isn’t realistic to say that you are going to understand what someone is going through every time you sit down with them, but your attempt at listening and at least trying will go a long way.

well, what do i do if i have no idea how to relate or understand their train of thought? again, i’m glad you asked for my not so expert-like expertise. here’s what i think you should do… tell them the truth. there is nothing wrong with saying “to be honest, i haven’t ever felt that way and i can’t relate to what you are feeling.” okay that sounds kind of harsh though right? well, don’t stop there. that’s just the beginning.

what you might do next is say “but… just because i can’t relate on a personal level doesn’t mean i don’t want to listen to what you have to say. i’m all ears. if you need any advice, feel free to ask, but if you don’t want any, i’d love to hear what’s going on and leave it at that.”

okay so what’s the point. why am i randomly writing about what i think should be a proper response to assisting in carrying other people’s burdens? well, because it’s real life. these things happen (shout out G-Eazy) all of the time. if we decide to be intentional and aware of our surroundings we could really make a difference in the world. i’m not asking you to be a psychologist (shout out to psychologists though yall are the real mvps). i’m just asking you to pay attention, listen well, and respond when necessary. and let me re-emphasize that i write this from a place of conviction. i hope i begin to do these things more consistently in my own life.

well, enough hearing from me. i just thought i’d stop by and share a little bit of what’s on my heart. if you ever want to get into writing like this i encourage you to do so. it’s super therapeutic and you can just type till your beautiful soul is content. in fact that’s what i’m doing right now. i really like the new keyboard on these fancy new macbooks. isn’t apple just so cool? right. i’ll stop now. i hope whoever reads this has a good day. or a good night. or whatever floats your boat.

okay signing off.

love,

e

On January 20, 2020, the first COVID-19 case in the United States of America was confirmed. Shortly after that, my senior year of college turned into a full-blown online education. And following, a thing we call quarantining was set in stone. And then, when the country looked to be re-opening, sin creeped in at our weakest moment. Racial division reared its head. Political agendas began to be pushed. Innocent people were killed. People I know and love experienced suffering in their health. Jobs were stripped away from people that worked so hard to provide for their families. Everything was dark.

And now, on August 18, we all try to settle into what I would call a new beginning. I have no idea how long we will have to wear masks as a safety precaution. I have no idea how long people will continue to discriminate based on the color of someone’s skin. I have no idea how long the evident divide between our country will tear us apart at the core of who we are. That’s the simple answer to all of it– “I don’t know.”

What I do know… I’ve strengthened a lot of friendships in this weird time we live in. I’ve gotten a lot closer with my family. I’ve spent more time reading my Bible and praying for those in need. I’ve found hope in a simple smile from someone that I care about. I’ve talked about hard things with people. I’ve learned to love. To cherish. To serve. To be grateful.

But that’s not all… I’ve also learned that my mental health, as well as many others, has taken a beating. I’ve at times not been confident in who I am. There are some days where I haven’t even had the mental energy to go about a regular day. I’ve worried. I’ve overthought things. I’ve clinged to the worst case scenario. I’ve told myself I’m not good enough. I’ve felt like something is wrong with me… and the list goes on.

The reality… Well, the reality is, this is life as we know it right now. This is the world that we live in. Broken. Beaten. Engulfed by sin. Dark, with nothing, and I mean nothing consistent.

But wait. That really isn’t true.

There is one thing. The only thing actually. There’s one thing that has yet to change and that’s the Lord God Almighty.

I don’t know why we are surprised by anything that is happening anymore. It should be expected. And there’s a reason for that.

Apart from God, we are nothing. We are dead in our sin. Lost without hope. But, because of Jesus, there’s a smile on my face under that mask that no one wants to wear because I know that regardless of the current stronghold we are facing, He still sits on His throne. It is THAT hope that I cling to.

I often times feel burdensome, misunderstood, or even annoying when it comes to being such a feeler. And well, I guess that’s okay. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my journey so far in this broken world it’s that I can’t please everyone. But also, I have learned that, as a feeler, I can’t expect everyone else to be. Sometimes us feelers have to step back and live a little. After all, the author and perfecter of our faith, Jesus, is in control.

I write all of this with the intention of trying to be relatable. I don’t know who will read this. I don’t know what your opinions will be of this. And I’m okay with that. I write this to whoever needs this. To whoever may feel as if no one understands. To whoever you are, I want you to know I understand and I am thankful for you. You have much purpose in this world and if you put your faith and hope in the only thing that is eternal, Jesus, this new beginning we’ve all started will be easier to understand.

Don’t lose heart. Cast all of your anxieties on Him. Why? Because He cares for you. Whoever you are, just know you’re doing a great job and people are proud of you. If you ever find yourself in a tough place, be reminded that no human being or famous set of words can give you the strength and love that Jesus can. Don’t ever put that pressure on someone else. Did you forget? We are human beings. Imperfect people. Call on the name of Jesus. Infinite in wisdom and forever faithful.

A New Beginning. A new opportunity. A new perspective.

Everything is new. And that’s okay. Just keep doing your thing and remember Jesus’ words in Matthew: “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

Love,

E

This past weekend, I had the privilege of getting to travel to Starkville, Mississippi to visit my sister and watch the bulldogs play the powerhouse of the Alabama Crimson Tide. It’s always a treat to see my sister. Even if, as a die-hard UT Vols fan, I have to pretend like the MS State Bulldogs are the greatest thing on earth. I’d do anything for my sister. What a joy it is to spend just a small amount of time in her world. I really wish I could be a freshman in college again.

Madilyn has been a believer since she was a young girl. Much different from me, she has always been the golden star child in the family. I don’t say that with any negativity. I say that to highlight her consistency and conviction in her faith in Christ.

Proverbs 31:30 says this, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

My sister, although she is a beautiful girl, is most respected for her consistency. Her fear of the Lord. Her being who she is instead of allowing others or her surroundings to shape her.

My sister, Madilyn, who is a freshman Chi Omega at Mississippi State University, does a phenomenal job of being a Christian in a Secular world. I think the reason she has been so affective in her faith is because of her selflessness. Madilyn absolutely loves to have a great time, be goofy, and bask in moments of laughter. But, she is the first person to be there when times get tough. I call her all the time just because I know she will listen to me and give solid feedback when needed.

Like most college campuses, Mississippi State is very secular. I do not say that as an insult in the slightest though. It’s just the truth. It’s a public university that embraces any and all types of people. Now, a cool thing about that though is, MS State has a really unique Christian culture within it. Madilyn has a lot of friends that love Jesus and talks all the time about her Chi O sisters and how solid they are.

Madilyn, as a Christian in a secular world, truly radiates with love. Whether you claim to be a believer in Jesus Christ or not, Madilyn will be friends with you. She truly loves people.

I am thoroughly impressed with Madilyn, because at any state school I can imagine it can be tough sometimes to be consistent in your faith. Heck, I’ve experienced that even at a private Christian college. It’s a part of life. But, what is so impressive about Madilyn is, she’s still the same girl she was when she was growing up. Loves to have a great time. Loves people. Loves being in the middle of the pain and hurt. But, she still won’t change for the world.

That’s an affective Christian. Growing up, I was never able to have this kind of influence, well, because I was so easily influenceable. I couldn’t put myself in the middle of the struggle, because then, I as well began to struggle.

Madilyn is able to be in the midst of a secular culture, and still hold true to the truth of the Gospel. She’s not the kind of person to talk about Jesus in every single conversation that she has, but, actions speak louder than words. Her way of sharing the Gospel looks a lot different than just talking about it. She shares the Gospel by her consistency. Unchanging. I’m sure if you asked her why, she would say it’s because Jesus is worth it.

Being unsure as to why I decided to write this, I want to make one thing clear: MS State is an incredible university. Madilyn has truly had a blast since she became a bell-ringing bulldog. I’m truly happy for her. But, she needs to be recognized for the “beauty in the struggle.”

May God stir in the hearts of believers and continue to grow people like Madilyn that can make such a difference in a secular setting. Her consistency is admirable and her impact is lasting.

Madilyn, there is only one thing that I want you to know and it’s that I’m proud of you. Tears are filling my eyes as I write this part, but that’s okay. I promise I’m happy. But to be honest, I just really miss you. But, that doesn’t mean I want you to come home. I would rather you be where you are and be impacting people for the kingdom of God than anything else in this world. Don’t ever give up. Mississippi State is lucky to have a student like you. Coming to the game this past Saturday did more for me than you’ll ever know. I didn’t realize how much it would shake me up until I had to leave to come back home. Obviously, I’m very protective of you, and I wish I could be there to look out for you all the time, but, I’m really not that worried about you. You’ve always been yourself and always cared more about others needs than your own. I truly believe that God is watching over you, and I firmly believe that MS State is a place to thrive. I’m truly thankful for that place, and I couldn’t be happier for you to be there.

You have a brother and sister back home in Jackson that are proud of you. Mom and Dad are proud of you. My friends are proud of you. I’m thankful to have a best-friend like you. Thank you for embodying consistency in Christ in a secular world. I’m thankful you are being properly prepared for the rest of your life. Find a church home, love your friends, and love Jesus. He’s watching over you.

-E

throughout life, it has been a common theme to fear nothing. i’m supposed to be able to take on anything that is thrown at me. i’m supposed to make every decision with confidence. i’m not allowed to show pain. everything is supposed to roll right off of my shoulders.

reality check: i’m scared of more things than i’m willing to admit. because of fear, i don’t always respond the way i’m supposed to. because of fear, i do anything and everything to win the approval of others. because of fear, i am left with constant anxiety about what tomorrow holds.

but… why am i afraid? why don’t i turn to Christ and be reminded daily through the reading of His Word that i am fearfully and wonderfully made and because of His grace i can live in freedom? well, i can answer that easily… i’m selfish.

i don’t write that to throw myself a pity party, but because it’s true. the world wants me to worry about tomorrow. the world wants me to say what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear. because of my flesh, i would rather gain the satisfaction of feeling accepted than turning to the One who made me.

why am i saying all of this? i really don’t know. to please you, i could make up some golden answer and act like i have this grand intention of writing this but i don’t. i just wanted to be honest.

on a positive note, today i am reminded that i really don’t have anything to fear. i feel like i have taken lightly that Christ has set us free from slavery to sin and given us freedom through Him. sometimes i need to genuinely watch myself type that out to be reminded of that. hopefully i can help to remind someone else through all of this too.

quite honestly, if you’re reading this, maybe you’re like me and you’ll wake up tomorrow and forget about the positive approach you tried to have the night before. it’s super easy to wake up the next day and continue on in negativity and fear. i’ll probably wake up tomorrow and do just that. like i said, just being honest.

i don’t want to do that though. i’m gonna try, but it’s hard.

before you write me off as whining and being a pessimist, just hear me out. when is the last time someone related to you? sympathized with you? made you feel like you weren’t the only one? that’s all i really wanna do.

i could have easily made this a motivational piece that sent you on your way for a whole 3 hours feeling on top of the world, but i’d rather remind you that you aren’t alone. you may feel alone and feel misunderstood, but i hope after reading this you can feel like someone else understands how you feel.

don’t give up though. life really does pass by faster than you know. God wants you to make much of Him in this world. i’ve found that making it all about Him is the only thing that is truly fulfilling. if glory is not brought to Him then what’s really the point?

i know this has been pretty back and forth between sympathizing and staying focused on Christ, but just know that there is nothing to fear. what they think about you doesn’t matter. what tomorrow holds isn’t for you to worry about. being the tough guy isn’t always the answer.

wake up tomorrow, and with everything you do, give glory to the One who actually gave us the opportunity at life. what He says about you is all that matters. how he views you is all that matters. He loves you, and i promise you are never alone.

-E

well, i’m back. i’ll be as open and honest as i can be. i’m kidding, this isn’t something to be on the edge of your seat about. well, it may be. depends on who you are. what speaks to you? what are you encouraged by? some questions we should all know the answer to. but anyway, that’s just food for thought.

growing up, i was groomed into loving anything to do with athletics. there wasn’t a season that i wasn’t playing something. at an early age, i fell in love with the game of basketball. basketball not only is what i went to sleep thinking about, but it shaped me into the person i am today. in comparison, i loved football. football was hard. waking up at 5:30 in the morning to lift weights or practice for two hours was never the first thing i wanted to do. i love my sleep. but it was worth it. football always had a reward waiting at the end of a hard week. playing under the lights on a friday night is incomparable. i’d give anything to play one more time.

although those two sports genuinely shaped my life and play a huge part in where i am today as a man, they both had to come to an end. i hated it. i’ll never forget the last down i played on the field. i’ll never forget the last gym i played ball in with my high-school team. those things are engraved in my mind. i felt like i lost a part of myself. it felt like i lost a best friend.

those things had expiration dates in my life. it was beautiful to watch some of my friends continue their careers at the next level in football though. to this day i’m still proud of my teammates that played another 4 years in college or are still playing today. people like andrew goldsmith, chris tucker, kyle akin, james bond. my hat goes off to them because they did/are doing something not a lot of people can do. it’s a tough game. those guys are special.

before i rabbit trail too much into the football topic though, let me zero in.

i can’t play football for the rest of my life. my body won’t let me, and i’m not good enough to play football for a living. similarly, i won’t always be able to play a quick game of 5 on 5 in the gym. my body won’t allow me to run forever.

but, music. a short statement that carries so much weight. i fell in love my freshman year of high-school. i began to play the guitar. my mom and sister have angelic voices, so a fourth of their ability trickled down into my life so i like to sing sometimes too. i think i suck but that’s a whole different article on self confidence i don’t feel like writing.

i love music. rap, country, praise & worship, alternative, r&b, singer/songwriter, SCREAMO (get over it, i’ll always love it), rock, blue grass, folk, everything.

why do i love music so much? music speaks to me. it encourages me. even the music that screams. a lot. but, most importantly, i admire music because it doesn’t have an expiration date. it rescued me when i felt like everything i had given my time and energy to was taken away.

on a super personal note, i have really bad anxiety. i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety right around the same time i fell in love with music. i don’t think it is coincidental that God gave me a gift in a moment of feeling like i wasn’t worth anything. i genuinely felt like i was drowning. no one understood. i never made sense to anyone…

music understood me. obviously my guitar can’t talk to me, but it gave me a way to feel better. there were some days i didn’t even want to wake up. i had no desire to try.

although i am thankful for the impact music has had on my life, i want to honor music for what it is to our world and the impact it is having on people every single day.

when i’m full of joy i listen to songs like Had Me By Halftime by Morgan Wallen.

when it’s early in the morning i listen to Daphne Blue by The Band Camino.

when it’s late at night i listen to Fast by Juice WRLD.

when i feel like the world is caving in on me i listen to Alone in A Room by Asking Alexandria. or The Pact by Slaves.

when i’m riding with the windows down i listen to There’s No Way by Lauv.

when i’m angry i listen to more Asking Alexandria.

why in the world did i just take the time to write out all of that? because when reading that, each of you thought of what songs you listen to when you’re feeling those exact same things. music heals, encourages, allows you to feel what you wanna feel, makes you smile, makes you sad. the list goes on. it’s just beautiful. it is so diverse. there are so many different ways to lean on music.

to conclude though, i don’t want to write this entire piece and not give credit to the one who created such unique individuals to make such beautiful music. i’m a firm believer that God works through music. yes, even secular music. God put people on this earth that make beautiful music. that encourage people like you and me. i’m forever thankful.

music saved me when i felt like i couldn’t breathe. music reminded me that there is beauty in this world. music gave me hope for tomorrow. music showed me how to express my feelings.

most importantly, music is here to stay. although my time expires with some things that i love, music is something i get to appreciate and enjoy for the rest of my life.

dear music, we’ve spent a lot of time together. i use you for everything. you’ve given me so much to be hopeful for. you have helped me explain myself to this world when i’ve felt like i’ll never be understood. you’re so selfless. i hope i can honor what you’ve done and are continuing to do in so many of our lives. thanks for giving me a life-long friend.

-E

Emotions are a beautiful thing. Being able to empathize with others and their situations, watching a musician sing about a recent lost loved one, tearing up over a kind gesture that was done for you, etc. These are all small examples of feeling. Feeling can be a great thing. I think we are 100 % allowed to feel certain things. It’s a part of life.

But… emotions are also dangerous. Have you ever made a rash decision in the “heat of the moment” and done something you didn’t think you were capable of doing? Have you ever said that one thing you weren’t supposed to say and left a friend heart-broken? Sure you have. We are an emotionally driven generation. It’s really easy to let what we “feel” direct our every decision in life.

Although love comes with emotion, feel-good moments, and a desire to experience your heart doing back-flips, love is much more. I believe that loving someone is a choice. Whether you agree with that or not is not the point. I just hope I can give some insight from experience that can encourage you.

What makes me believe that love is a choice? Many things. I used to freak out when I was a kid when my parents fought. In my mind, my parents fighting meant that things weren’t working. I thought their relationship was spinning out of control and I was soon going to have to live in two different houses and have two separate Christmases and on and on and on. Thankfully, my wonderful mom used to sit me down and tell me that no matter how much my dad may irritate her in a specific moment, she made a commitment to him the day they got married. There are days when she wakes up and genuinely has to choose to love my dad. It isn’t always easy. Love isn’t always easy. It is sometimes what you call a “joyful struggle.”

Another example of this topic being so important to me comes from something my mom said to me just the other day at lunch. My older sister is adopted, and when my younger sister and I were born, you can imagine that my sister started raising a lot of question. She became a part of our family in a very different way than me and my younger sister did. This is what my mom said: “When your sister was born, I explained it to Michelle as this: Michelle, Eli and Madilyn came from me, but you came from my heart. I chose you when you were born.” I find this super inspiring and a beautiful example of choosing to love. My mom and dad took my older sister out of an unlivable situation and chose to love her for the rest of their lives.

Relationally speaking, one of my best friends, Jacob, has always impacted me positively. He is one of the most loyal people that I know. He is one of those guys that no matter what the circumstance is, he is in my corner. He has proven time and time again that he values our friendship. On a funny note though, I have fought with Jacob countless times. Being my best friend, he knows exactly how to push my buttons. There are days when I would naturally like to rip his head off. But, that doesn’t change how valuable he is to me. It doesn’t mean our friendship is over and beyond repair. I choose to love him like a brother regardless of the circumstance.

After a couple of examples of choosing love, I think you see my point. Life is extremely difficult and it is super easy to stay caught up in feeling like the world is out to get you. I used to question my love for someone based on how I was feeling, and that quite honestly isn’t fair. I’m thankful to have embraced this perspective because it is much more rewarding.

As a biblical comparison, and quite frankly, the most important parallel for us all to embrace is this: Jesus chose us. Adopted us as sons and daughters. He died on a cross for our sins. He came to the world to be the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom in Him. I’m sure Jesus didn’t FEEL ecstatic about carrying His own cross to be crucified on. I’m sure it didn’t FEEL good to hang there in agony and take on the weight of the world emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I’m sure it didn’t FEEL good to be sacrificed for the sake of dirty rotten sinners like you and me. He was perfect. He didn’t deserve the death that he was given.

Something else to consider about your relationship with Christ is this: regardless of your shortcomings, regardless of your natural desire to choose sin, regardless of the countless times we break Jesus’ heart by stumbling over the world, He chooses to love us. Yes, we will give an account for our sins one day. Yes, God is the ultimate judge. Yes, we fail the Lord every single day, but He chooses to love us.

Within a relationship, friendship, marriage, etc., there will be days when you just aren’t “feeling it.” But please, do not let that be your foundation. Turn to Jesus. Be reminded of today. Today is the day that Jesus died a brutal death for sinners like you and me. I’m thankful he chose to love a sinner like me. I can’t imagine the agony Christ experienced for my sake. How heartbreaking.

My prayer is that we all take today seriously. It is easy to go throughout the Easter season as a part of our annual routine. It is absolutely a beautiful time to spend with family, friends, and your church, but don’t miss out on the main thing. Keep the main thing the main thing. On this day, Jesus died for you and me. Continue today in reverence. Be reminded of God’s grace. Be reminded of our purpose here on earth. Be reminded of the opportunity we have been given to spend eternity with Him. How beautiful. Thank you Jesus. To God be the glory.

As you refocus on “choosing to love,” be intentional. When times are tough and you don’t feel like loving someone, be reminded of Christ’s never-ending love for us. Go out and love others the way Jesus loves us. Live on mission. Live with a purpose of loving because you were loved first. Let that compel you. Don’t do anything that you do for the approval of others, or to build up some type of pat on the back for yourself. Choose to love because you were loved first. It isn’t easy to put others first. But, as I’ve emphasized greatly, model your life after Jesus. Focus on this day. Praise Him for life. Praise Him for a second chance. Praise Him for being HIM.

Thank you, Jesus, for dying for me. I’m sorry that you had to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You didn’t deserve to experience such a death for the sake of someone like me. Thank you for being the ultimate example of love. You are without flaw. Perfect in all of your ways. We lift You up today and praise You for life. I love you.

Love,

Eli

I could never spend too much time enjoying the little things. The characters I grew up adoring. The shows I grew up watching. The castle I longed to see. No. My attention was immediately brought to the fear and anxiety of being on a rollercoaster. Having no control over the outcome of a situation made my head spin, my skin crawl, my stomach drop, my hands shake. I walked around in fear because I’m a big ole baby.

But then, there was Michelle. Christine Michelle Parker. For a short time, she was Christine Michelle Smith.  I remember all of the weird looks we used to get walking into Magic Kingdom. With the combination of the rest of my family members and our standout pasty whiteness, Michelle looked just a tad bit darker on the outside…

Not only is my sister a different race, she also has an intellectual disability. With little comprehension of real-life scenarios, a struggle to read, write, learn, communicate, you name it, Michelle is different. Different than anyone else on this planet, in my opinion.

I don’t say that to highlight it as something negative though. I also don’t mention her skin color as a way of saying she’s different than me and my family either. I write this to emphasize how freaking cool she is. So, let’s dive into an uplifting perspective and bask in jealousy as we all want what Michelle has: being forever young.

As I entered into the latter part of my high-school career, I always found myself wishing that time could freeze. I found myself hoping and longing to never grow up. Peter Pan quotes and scenes used to flash through my mind on a regular basis. I’ve seen that movie an unhealthy amount of times. I wish I had my own never-land.

In a sense though, I do. My sister has visited Disney World multiple times, and unlike myself who has a different approach each time due to sadly growing up, Michelle gets to experience it the same. Over and over and over. The “magic” of Disney World never fades away with Michelle. It is a new and inviting experience for her and always will be.

Her smile. It’s never ending. Her laugh. It’s contagious. Her uncontrolled reactions on rides. Priceless.  Her surprising cuss words she claims she learned from watching the Madea movies. So innocent. Not a second goes by that I’m not jealous of her life experience. Not once do I look at her disabilities as a negative thing. Her life is beautiful. She is beautiful. She radiates joy every second of every day.

As I reflect on the last thing that brought a smile to my face, I am reminded of the beauty that comes with the struggle. At one point in my life I always asked myself questions like “Will Michelle ever experience falling in love with someone?” “Can Michelle live on her own?” “What will happen when my parents are gone?” I was asking questions about my sister’s life with a trained mindset of what a “normal” life looks like.

But here’s the catch. She is normal. She’s just way cooler than I’ll ever be. I genuinely mean that too. She gets to be forever young. She may not experience some of the stereotypical things most of us experience, but she has something none of us can touch. An everlasting youth. From her obsession with WWE wrestling, to crying her eyes out because she got to meet THE Buzz Light Year at Disney World, Michelle can be an example to us all. God did something special when He gave my family the opportunity to take her in as our own.

           As she walks away on the last day at Magic kingdom, she flips her weave, probably makes a smart aleck remark to my dad, and smiles the same smile she has been smiling since the beginning. The last thing that made me laugh out loud was my sister. Not because she’s just uncontrollably hilarious, which she is, but because I’m amazed at her experience of life. She never has to grow up and I will forever envy a view of life through her eyes.

I thank Walt Disney World for giving my sister a place to experience her own never-land. I thank my parents for having a heart for adoption and giving my sister a chance to experience love, compassion, and care. I thank the Special Needs Program in the Jackson Madison County School System for loving my sister without hesitation.

Most importantly, I thank God for working in every situation. It is super easy to focus on all of the things that my sister can’t do/experience because of her disabilities. That’s a waste of time though. I choose to adore my sister’s life. She get’s to do so much that no one else will ever get to do. Without Michelle, my life would not be the same. God is using her to remind me of Simplicity. Hope. Love. Joy. Care.

Michelle, I love you. I love you more than words can express. Thank you for being you. Please, I’m begging you, never change. Never grow up. Keep calling me “E.” Keep loving Bob Ross. Keep adoring John Cena. Keep singing Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean at the top of your lungs and not caring who’s watching/listening. Keep being forever young. I thank God for you.

-E

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